Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Learning Humility

August has been a tough month. Getting the children ready for school is challenging and expensive. Dealing with my own anxiety about it has been really difficult - I am a serial worry wort as it is and when you combine that with my perfectionist tendencies, you get a lot of sleepless nights, stomach knots and hair loss.

On top of that, throw in my fear and trepidation regarding our decision to retain Will for second grade. Many a night I stared at the ceiling playing out all the possible scenarios, all of them ending in catastrope. Simultaneously, my first born was headed off to camp for the first time. That wasn't nearly as traumatic as I was expecting it to be, but again, the getting ready part was stressful. She had a wonderful time and did great, we had awesome one on one time with Will and it all worked out.

Five days after school started, we had our annual birthday blow-out for Will. Which I absolutely do not mind doing, but again, requires a bunch of prep work, time and money. He had an awesome time, our guests had fun and we enjoyed seeing him thrilling over all of his gifts. We added the bearded dragon the next day and have enjoyed that addition to the family as well.

Most recently, my precious Siamese kitty has been diagnosed with Chronic Renal Failure. I'm devastated - it's just such an awful way to go. It is requiring a lot of maintenance to keep him comfortable and we have some decisions to make shortly. Focusing on much else has been a serious challenge for me and I feel guilty about being so disconnected emotionally.

The point of all of this is that I am very often too proud to ask for help. Or support. Or prayer. Or anything really. "I do it myself." was my first complete sentance and while I am not ashamed of being so independent, I very often find it hard to be humble and admit when I need other people. I wonder if anyone who reads this could take a minute and just say a quick prayer for me, or if that is not your ilk, maybe just send positive thoughts. I'm drowning on the inside right now and could really use a boost. My sweet husband has been wonderful and my kids are being as understanding as you could ask for from children but sometimes you just need to cast a wider net.

I'm not trying to be negaitve or throw myself a pity party but I have to be sure I don't hide under the shell of superwoman/whodoesntneedanyone/icandoitmyself/ifiamfunnythennoonewillknowimsad and be honest with myself and with the people who care about me. I know this will all pass and that eventually things will be better.

Thanks to those of you who read this blog - it is a huge source of encouragement and inspiration to me and I truly appreciate each moment you spend here.

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Grace Williams said...

I love your honesty and can relate to a lot of what you said. It took a long time for me to realize its okay to need other people. (most of them are generaly okay ;).I look forward to continuing to hear your thoughts.

Madame Zimmie said...

Thinking of you, and sending all good thoughts straight to where you are standing the very moment you're reading this. See? Like right now. Did you feel that???? In other news, Eli asked Pierre when he would start "rockin' some chest hair". Yes, that actually happened. Point is- it's always darkest, just before one of your kids has you cracking up...
Love you girl. Hang in there.

Samantha said...

Lots of love to you, Rebecca...

I love reading your blogs; thank you for sharing.
The one about Will had me in tears of compassion.

Humility is a superpower, so more power to you for asking for support and guidance! XOX

bereccah said...

Thanks you guys. It's funny how much better I felt just writing it down and getting it out there! And Krista, if my kids don't crack me up, then yours surely will. :-)