Monday, February 20, 2012

God Told Her That I Was A Bad Person. Seriously. I Could NOT Make This Crap Up.

Several years ago, I was in a group of women that was pretty tight knit. We spent a lot of time together, all being in the same stage of life - that of being newly-ish married and raising young children. This group meant a lot to me, as I had been so excited about having a group of girlfriends, something that had been missing for a while. I was not from the area, and my own long term friends were scattered all over the state, so this group was a great fit. Or so I thought.

This went on for a year or so, but the over the course of about three or four months, I realized I was being edged out of it. At first I thought I really must be just imagining things, but eventually asked someone else involved if they had any idea as to what was going on. She had no insight at the time and the edging out continued until I finally gave up on all of them. I'm pretty proud, and have zero desire to beg anyone for anything, especially friendship, so I just "walked". And honestly, I think the part that hurt the most was that they all just let me go without a fight or even a whimper, which I took to mean that no one cared, or had ever really cared at all.

Eventually it came to light that the perpetrator was involved in a Christain sect/borderline cult, and that God had told her that I wasn't one of the right people to be involved with. She then managed to manipulate and weasel her way in between existing relationships, as well as started letting her real colors show. By the time I was told about any of this, she had made her own bed, because nobody wanted to hang out with her anymore anyway. I felt so relieved on some level, because even though it was crazy, it actually made sense - it was something I could understand. The hurt with those who did not even care remained though, and I have not seen or spoken to any of those women in quite some time, not out of anger, but resignation.

A lot of good came out of this, believe it or not. The women in this group are wonderful people, but I think they were never really my people. I'm brash, irreverent, loud and direct. I also tend to use bad words sometimes, and most of these chicks are penultimate small town southern belles, in every sense of the word. Plus, red lipstick is the name of the game, and I just really cannot stand the stuff. The point is that while I was friends with and extremely fond of them, the bond just obviously wasn't there.

However, I emerged from this extremely painful experience with some truly valuable insight. The whole time the extraction process was happening, I beat myself up. What was wrong with me? What had I done? Why did no one care? and such. This became slightly obsessive, to be honest. I like to know WHY things go the way they do, and not having any answers just made me crazy. I cried, I lost weight, I lost sleep, and I moped. A lot.

But. One morning, I woke up feeling like myself again. The first thing that came into my head was, "I don't care." Not in a flip way, but in a way that I knew I was free of the whole thing emotionally. It occurred to me that I don't care what they think. This has nothing to do with me. The change in my thinking was like being let out of prison. I felt so free. And so, that chapter in my life closed.

I actually consider this to be my best day ever. It opened my eyes to how false an image I had constructed for myself to try to be accepted. Ever since then, my confidence has grown, my self esteem has grown and well, my "give-a-damn" is busted. While I am far from perfect, I know that I'm pretty darn okay. I'm kind, generous, funny, honest, loyal and am an excellent friend. In hindsight, being pushed out of that group was one of the very best things to ever happen to me.

What about you? What good has come out of your tough times? Or have you had a similar friendship experience?

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14 comments:

Angela Drake said...

Great! Great ! Great!
I used to suffer with major anxiety when I first moved here, never wanting to step on anyone's toes, used to stay up until the wee hours night after a girls' night worrying if I said the wrong things, or if I made an ass of myself...
I don't know how I got out of it...I finally came to the realization that if people are upset by anything I say or the way I am, that is their problem...I don't set out to be rude, I don't set out to be obnixious, so if my being me upsets them...so be it...Eschew me. Apparently we are not compatible enough to be together...It is very liberating.
Frankly, I think now that I am delightful to be around.

bereccah5 said...

Yay for emotional liberty! Totally understand what you mean, and would agree, that you are quite delightful. :-)

Grace Renee Williams said...

My first question is when God told her this, was it through the radio? because that's a dead ringer for crazy-town. Otherwise, I have definitely had similar experiences trying to be friends with girls who were much more belle-ish than myself, some of which I didn't even like! I have come to embrace the fact that while they are usually very nice people, I am definitely a Chelsea and will never be a Scarlett.

bereccah5 said...

Well, no radio was involved, but crazy town became apparent tout de suite after she tried to recruit people into her "church". Anywho, I'd take either one of us Chelseas over Scarlett any day!

Number Whisperer said...

A lot of my life has been like this. Admittedly, I'm not the typical girly type. My best friend was my brother during childhood, I never had the money needed to fit in with the crowd, and my adhd personality kept me unconnected to the other girls. Needless to say, I have a verrry small circle of friends, and when I sense that others are not interested in my friendship, I'm super-conscious of it. The funny thing is that people think I'm very approachable and easy going. Just not BFF material, lol. By now, I'm ok with how my personality has shaped my social life, but there are still times that I wish I could fit in and be just one of the girls. Like on PTA night. :)

Truthfully, if those women had so easily dropped me, after having been through so much together, I'd be pretty hurt too. Good for you for not holding on to those bad feelings.

bereccah5 said...

Totally understand where you're coming from. What's interesting is that people say the same thing about me - fun! nice! likable! funny! and yet I have a very small group of friends as well. Interesting phenomenon, I think. Sometimes I wish the same thing about being one of the girls, but it's okay most of the time. Thanks for sharing - I appreciate your feedback!

Lizzie Borden said...

Oh have I been through that one. Scars are still healing.
Well written and I think you are wonderful.

bereccah5 said...

Yeah, it takes awhile for that to get better. You'll get there. :-) Thanks so much for your kind words!

Talia said...

I am new here and really enjoyed this post. I am still in the midst of this one. I am a stepmother with stepchildren who want nothing to do with me. I really beat myself up for years, but no more. I know I am kind and loving and not evil and wicked as they are made to believe (by their mother). Once I got over the disappointment and resentment, I found my happy life again.

It never feels good to be put on the outside. My scars are still healing, but I know I will be fine!

bereccah5 said...

Rejection, no matter it's form, is just the pits. No way around it. You're right to recognize your own worth and realize that it isn't a reflection on you as a person, no matter how unfair it may seem. Such a hard lesson to learn though. I'm so glad you came by - welcome to the funny farm. ;-)

ddavisbailey said...

LOL - i remember this all too well - we aren't really click types - i like to be friends with whoever and i like to cuss like a sailor and drink like a fish - it is weird that i now live 10 miles away and it's as though i moved to a foreign country but park circle is our hood now and we are loving it - you're better off without the nonsense
it's too exhausting to keep up

bereccah5 said...

Isn't that the truth! I want to see your new digs soon - PC is about 10 minutes from us, so let's make a plan and get together!

Laura Sue Wisehart-Riester said...

I am so glad I found this post and read it... I too am from "away" (Indy) and the only "real" girlfriends I have made here (Chucktown, like you...) were the ones I work with... and for whatever reason, they've now shut me out. I'm sure I said something offensive (because that is EXACTLY something I would unintentionally do) but instead of telling me, they go do stuff (movies, hang out) without me. *sigh* Unfortunately, I work in the environment every day but I've recently started thinking (this has been going on for 3 months give or take...) that perhaps immersing myself in it every day isn't healthy. And when I came to that realization, I felt better. Time to move on... It's tough though, huh? Why are women so awful to each other? Men would confront, discuss, have a beer and move on. Why can't we be more like that???? I just hope that moving on makes me feel as empowered as it did you!!! Cheers to new beginnings!

bereccah5 said...

It is hard, and women are definitely hard on each other sometimes. I'm sorry you've been having a hard time, but if you step back and think about it, you may find that you're better off as well, just like I was. Keep your chin up girlie! Thanks and keep me posted!