Monday, July 2, 2012

Benevolent Dictatorship. It Has A Nice Ring To It, Don't You Think?

So I have recently come to the conclusion that I would be an exceptional dictator. While I do possess a weee bit of a temper, I'm pretty reasonable and decent overall. This being said, I think my ruling style would be more like how you parent a toddler, rather than with an iron fist. It would be a kind of "I'm doing this because I love you" thing rather than "I'm doing this because I'm bat shit crazy and want to create a police city state of marauding housecats".

Here are some of the things I would be in charge of:

Television. Reality TV as we know it would cease to exist. Sponge Bob would quietly pass over into the great beyond, complete with state funeral broadcast to the masses. There would be no housewives of anywhere other than the ones who actually live like normal people and who haven't pulled anyone's hair since they were in pre-school. The cable companies would actually have to show different shows and good movies, rather than three hundred channels of repeats and movies that no one went to see in the movie theater. Oh, and cable news networks and their yelling shows would be gone in entirety.

Walmart. No longer the bain of the human existence, Walmart would be forced to change their style to more like Target, and actually have enough cashiers and registers to support the hordes of people shopping in their stores. They would also have a dress code so that this horrendous people of Walmart trend would end. The rule would be that they can only be a certain size and cannot leave a ginormous empty box store and parking lot when they decide to upgrade their facility - renovation instead of new construction. Lastly, there would be parameters about how many there can be in one area so that making the trip over there for savings would have to be worth it, therefore encouraging people to buy their daily necessities from local vendors. Oh yes, and sparkling clean restrooms, complete with working hand dryers.

Soap With Suncreen In It: everyone I know who knows anything about science says this will not work. I say to them that if someone somewhere can grow a human ear on the back of a mouse, surely someone can bypass the laws of nature and make this happen. I mean lipids and whatnot pale in comparison to smashing atoms apart in order to find the "God particle"! Think about how much easier it would be to not have to reapply sunscreen to a sandy, sweaty and whining six year old. This can happen people, I have declared it therefore it must be so!

And last, but most certainly not least, I'd be in charge of Facebook, Twitter etc. No, you cannot be hateful to people who have different opinion. No, we don't need to see pictures of your every meal. Yes, your constant bragging is annoying. Self taken duck face pics in your car's rear view mirror? Absolutely not! Yes, you will do some at least basic fact checking before creating pandemonium amongst your 3579 friends and beyond. No, life isn't nearly as perfect as you'd like for us all to believe. ETCETERA!

I have many, many more of these, as I'm sure do you. What would you do in your "benevolent dictatorship"? Tell me so I know what to expect!

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Hollyherrick said...

Fabulous, Rebecca. I would definitely add corporal punishment to all testosterone loaded owners of big hunting dogs who insist upon walking them around town without a leash and then cringe at you when you cringe at them when their dog chases after yours.

bereccah said...

YES. I do not understand why people think they can trot their dogs all over with no leash! Or, on a retractable leash all the way extended - if I or my dog want to visit with your dog, I'll let you know! Good one.

Angela Drake said...

Hmmm...How about a law saying that if you park your car in the fire lane at the grocery store, you have offered an open invitation for people to ram your car with their buggy. I remember being 9 months pregnant with a one year old in September in Charleston, and I was able to juggle a toddler and a full shooping cart AND walk to my car. Your single lazy butt should be able to do the same. (Oh, and my cart "accidentally" rammed into it because it was blocking the ramp into the parking lot.

bereccah5 said...

YES! Same drill for parking in handicap spaces too! Good one Angie!

Clark said...

I would vote for you (can you vote for dictators?).

bereccah5 said...

Eeeeggggcellent...I now have acquired my first subject. We are a country of two!