Tuesday, August 7, 2012
How To Launch A Boat, Connelly Style
There are many, many blogs out there giving directions about how to do all kinds of things, both complex and simplistic. Normally, there is a set of instructions and if you play your cards right, following them will yield a result at least close to what you desire. However, here in the Connelly household, normal is just a setting on the dryer.
This past weekend, we were fortunate enough to have a boat at our disposal. We decided to put in at a fairly quiet landing, as I'm super rusty in the boating department and Lawton can't very well back the boat/trailer down the ramp and captain said boat all at once. The launch began well enough, but it became evident within moments that this experience would go down as, well, normal, by our standards.
And so, without further ado, I present to you an exceptionally clear and concise list of ways not to launch a boat.
1. Borrow your friends boat. Be sure that it has a brand new stainless steel prop on it that has never been used, and is in pristine condition.
2. Drive your friend's boat to a landing that does not have a dock for loading passengers, belongings and pets; one that is also split with a cement curb and with perilous rocks on each side of the cement ramp.
3. Have your wife stand thigh deep in the water in order to direct you down the ramp, but be sure the tide is racing one direction and the wind whipping in the other, so that you achieve maximum hovering difficulty.
4. Back boat down the ramp - be certain that the boat teeters precariously on the edge of the ramp, threatening to drop off the edge into the barnacle covered rocks.
5. Once boat is off the trailer and floating, send wife to park truck and trailer. When she comes back from doing this, yell for her to grab your cigarettes. Idle nearby while she walks back to parked vehicle to retrieve said smokes, ignore her swearing and cussing under her breath.
6. Accept the raincoat wrapped cigarettes (and also her cover-up) from your wife while she stands again in thigh high water at the end of the ramp.
7. Assist wife into the moving/drifting/motoring boat while she dangles from the railing on the gunwale. Make sure there is no ladder or any other foothold for her to use to get in said moving v-hull boat. Heave her fat ass over the side in front of a passel of laughing county boys - be sure that the boat is drifting directly towards the nearest dock while your children shriek in terror.
8. Laughing, congratulate yourselves on a clean getaway, then cruise slowly down the creek. Turn, smiling, and ask your wife if she also retrieved your lighter. Act surprised when she answers to the negative, bearing in mind that normally you carry lighters in your backpack, which is already on the boat.
9. Head back to landing, let (boating rusty) wife captain the boat while you jump in to thigh high water, head towards ramp so to retrieve said lighter. Fall over sideways from racing current and howling wind - be sure that your flip-flops come off, ensuring that you step on oysters, thus slicing up your feet, causing you to bleed like stink. Catch shoes.
10. Come back to ramp after retrieving lighter. Be sure that wife is successfully idling boat nearby. Encourage wife to come pick you up from ramp, while you are once again standing in thigh high water, clutching your cigarette lighter. Begin pickup process again.
Bonus points if: your wife panics when the boat gets very close to the ramp near where you are standing, and slams the throttle forward when she meant to reverse in a very big hurry, so as not to run over her husband with a twenty foot boat. Be sure that your children continue to shriek as if their very souls are being ripped from their bodies.
MORE bonus points if: in her moment of panicking throttle indiscretion, your wife not only drives your friend's boat directly into the rocks, but ALSO whips the boat around so that the brand new stainless steel prop comes into intimate contact with the very rocks she's been trying to avoid.
And finally, accept assistance from ramp-sitting local observers, and swear to self never to go to a boat landing without a dock. Also, kick self for all of this happening over a cigarette lighter. (okay, I said that, not him, but still.)
Proceed to miraculously enjoy the rest of your day without boating incident, unless you count rain. Which I don't, considering all of the above. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how not to launch a boat. You're welcome.
PS. This is one example among a host of others as to why I take pills. It's just better for everyone.