I wish I had something interesting to write about but I'm kinda not in the groove at the moment, and to be honest, I've done a bunch of reading and thinking and a little, okay maybe a lot of crying too. I think the reason I haven't wanted to write is because so much of what's going on in my head is very raw - feelings are pretty jacked up at the moment, and I don't like blogging that turns into emotional vomit. Plus, when my feelings are all over the place, organizing my thoughts in a way that makes sense to readers is a real challenge and I always delete the draft because I feel like it sounds crazy.
However, recently, I've been reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown and am starting to feel like she has been spying on me, if you know what I mean. Even as I type this, I am thinking, "You have turned into SUCH a cliche. Approaching middle age, reading self help books...gah." Anyway. So, one of the things that Brene says we need to do to live "wholeheartedly" is tell our personal story with bravery and no spin. Since I seem to find it difficult to articulate how I feel and what I think about feelings in sentence form, I did what I can and made a kind of list. Bear in mind that I am totally cognizant of the fact that my perspective may be a little off.
So, here are the things that I tell almost no one, the stuff I hide:
- I was abused, physically and emotionally, by my father until my parents separated when I was in high school. My dad was/is an alcoholic (sort of I guess who knows) and a certified crazy person. Very unpredictable and volatile, which meant I was always watching him to see how I should act. The fallout of that is that now I watch everyone to see how I "should" act, just in case they might get mad and hurt me. I am now estranged from him entirely, and not having a good dad is a huge hole in my life.
- While I am typically smiling and laughing in public and socially, that is very often a front. Behind the scenes, I am horribly lonely, very disappointed in myself for my lack of professional success/personal growth/appearance and am flat broke - none of which actually help you feel better about yourself.
- I get my feelings hurt easily. I also have an inner mean girl that picks on me relentlessly and she is a hateful bitch. I don't really know why I care what people would say to or think about me, because I can promise you that I have already said or thought worse to myself.
- I have a huge heart and feel empathy to a fault. I always think that I would be a great rich person because I would help everyone I could. It also makes me kind of a sucker, and very often I feel like an emotional vending machine, always willing to lend an ear and be supportive, but with not much outlet for me to have the same.
- I believe in God, and consider myself a Christian, but have so many questions, doubts and things I don't agree with that I have no idea what I am. I love church though, and then I feel bad about that too, like I'm using God to feel comfort in His house.
- I am scared that I will die having never experienced anything amazing, with the exception of my children. I would probably commit a felony if it meant being able to travel some.
- I spend way too much time on the phone and online, mostly because of wanting interaction with other people. Then I observe people interacting with each other and it makes me feel worse. Can anyone say circular?
- I'm terrified that my daughter will turn out like me. We are a lot alike, and I see her heading down the same path I did. Good at lots of things, excellent at nothing. This is when I really pull out the self hate because I think if I could afford additional instruction in this that or the other thing, she might actually have a chance at being really good at something. But I can't, so she probably won't. Awesome.
- I have a very nasty temper when crossed. I have said and done some things in the heat of anger that I really, really regret. I have two speeds of dealing with conflict - complete avoidance or total insanity.
If you want, you are welcome to share things you don't normally tell anyone either. Your "secret" is safe here, I promise. I sincerely appreciate everyone who comes here and reads - it means a lot to me. Thank you.